My feelings exactly

My friend Roxanne posted this today and it hits me to my core, because I know exactly what she is feeling and going through. And I hurt for her because most of the time, people cannot relate to us.  Here are her thoughts that resonated within me today. I could say these exact things for myself, even 2 years later. (I still find myself referencing Africa or things I experienced there almost daily-sights, smells, people, etc) Thanks for this friend--it encouraged my heart more than you know! (and I'm praying for you!)


And finally, YES, we are feeling “culture shock” or "re-entry shock" or whatever the heck it is called.  At least I think we are.  Trouble is you can name something but it still doesn’t mean that makes it easier to negotiate.  And I think people expect us to be "over it." And the thing that is complicating all of this is that we really do not want to just continue on with life as usual, carving out our slice of the American dream because it is no longer what we want for our lives or our family.  So Jason and I are trying to figure out what it means to live here again.  It is rough.  For a lot of reasons.  Mostly because we are allowing the chaos we feel inside to spill out onto each other in messy, hurtful ways.  We are sinners y'all.  We need some grace and unity and a lot of communication about all this. 

And it is tough honestly because a lot of folks don’t really care so much about our time in Africa.  Fair enough. I don’t care immensely and deeply about what is important to a lot of people so I by no means think I am more enlightened.  How can people care, I mean really care, about something they have never been touched by? I knew this would be true but the experiences of the last four years that have changed me so much that I really am not going to “get over it.”  I feel like the world expects us to “settle back in” and become who we were before we left.  I guess I have realized that is not possible.  Nor, honestly, do I want that to happen but how to explain that without being rude, offensive, or just plain weird.  Really, it is never my intention and I have no insight as of yet on how to better 'do some 'splaining.'  How do we explain everything in under two sentences the average person can stomach at a party?  I haven't figured it out.  All I do know is I am changed but if anything I am more humbled; more sure of how imperfect I am and more certain in the perfection and Might of God.  More certain I cannot do anything apart from His Spirit at work within me.  And more sure I want and need more of that every day in my life.  We still do not know exactly what we will be “doing” here but we are trying to listen and discern what is next.  It is hard and many days recently we spend more time frustrating and stressing to each other than trusting but we know that as we seek to acknowledge Him in everything He will make our path straight. 
Not easy but straight.
It is hard to know what is next but I have no vested interest in figuring it all out because I know I would just force it and screw it all up (it is sorta a gift I have). So I think in the mean time we wait, pray, listen, try to work on loving more. I think when God is in the process of revealing a plan in our lives, it starts to illuminate gradually, like a dark sunrise seemingly beginning from nothing but in reality crafted from God’s unseen but trustworthy hands.  Right now I am trying with everything in me to trust the unfolding….
So, not sure when or where I will next update from and not even promising that I will have any further insight but I am trusting in the One who has better plans for my life than I could imagine.