In April when I came back from Africa, I knew I wanted to go back. In a journal entry from July 1st, I wrote:
When I went to TEAM to debrief, I told them of my plans ot return to South Africa to serve and work with the Embrees. The idea would be to return in 2012 when Embrees finished their home assignment. The new 2 yr. TeamTrek program was my choice~an either make it or break it~to see if God was calling me career. A couple weeks later, I received an e-mail from Ella labeled, "Top Secret." What in the world? It read: We are leaving TEAM South Africa and feel God calling us back to America where James would like to serve in a pastorate position. My first reaction? YAY!! They are coming home!! I was happy. And then a few days later-my reaction changed. WHOA-wait a minute. What does this mean for me? I was going to be back in S. Africa with them-they're my incredible teammates/family whom I LOVE. I can't go back if they are not there! It was as if life in SA was ending for me. God was closing the door-even though my heart longed to be there. I was sad. Mad at times for sure. And overjoyed my friends were coming home. I went through a wide range of emotions-but couldn't get SA out of my mind. I couldn't possibly go back without Elle there, could I? And over the last couple weeks, the Holy Spirit has made it very clear that I need to go back. I can't get it out of my head. The idea of returning still boggles my mind at times.....but I know God is in this. I need to fill the gap-help resume things Embrees will leave behind. I know I can't do everything-
but there are some things I can. I wanna get back to my girls-to help them grow in their faith and to mentor/challenge them in their walks. I miss discipleship. I miss hanging with the college students. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that something- smell/taste/sound/event-brings me back to Africa. I miss it. I desperately miss it. And I feel God calling me back. So now-I put my life into His hands to guide/direct my steps of the future, not knowing exactly what it will look like, but knowing that His plan for me is better than mine.
And the waiting began. Because James and Ella are the only TEAM missionaries in Joburg, the leadership of TEAM SA, along with the home office, had many decisions to make. A meeting was to take place September 20-22 in Swaziland and that was when they would tell me if I could continue through TEAM or not.
These last 4 months of waiting have been hard and challenging. I went from full-time ministry, to getting paid at a job. I had wonderful, godly mentors who poured into my life in SA. When I got back to America, I didn't have that. Ella and I were with each other basically 24/7 for a year. I went from having that sisterly relationship, to nothing close to that. My parents moved 12 hours away while I was in Africa. I had no real home anymore. My attitude towards America and being here was horrid, and sinful. I was so focused on Africa....on getting back, on missing it, that I missed out on a lot here. In July, I got involved in a Bible study on the fear of God. Through those friends in that study, through encouragement from friends and family, and God working on my heart, in early August, I finally began to see that I needed to be serving God wherever He places me. I had accepted (after 4 months) that America is where God had me for the moment. Ella sent me this excerpt from a book that hit hard and was so appropriate for me at the time. (you can just place missionary in place of pastor)
Recently I heard someone say, " God has given me a heart to pastor a church." What he meant was he had a desire to become a pastor. Certainly, to pastor a church is a good desire. As I walked away, I prayed that someday God will grant him the desire of his heart . However, his desire to pastor is only as good as his willingness to wait on God's timing. In the meantime, he MUST continue to serve the Lord Jesus whether he ever becomes a pastor or not. If he is NOT content to wait on God, if he is miserable and sins as a result, then his heart's desire is not set on the glory of the Lord Jesus. Instead, his desire has become an idol (Ezek 14:1-11) or a lust. (1 John 2:15-17; 5:21)
It really made me think about living in the here and now. About how I needed to be serving the Lord all the time. I want to be glorifying Him in everything I do.
This past weekend was the roughest yet emotionally. Ella told me to hope for a miracle regarding coming back, and others were telling me it wasn't looking good for me to come back. I was a mess. I was anxious. And I was overwhelmed with thoughts about choosing a different mission agency. It was daunting to me. I sent out an e-mail, and there were so many people praying for me...and for TEAM leadership.
Late Tuesday night, I received this from Ella. A miracle happened. Don't tell anyone, anyone, anyone anyone (NOT EVEN YOUR MOMMA OR MARY)--- YET! ELLA
I read it, and smiled. I didn't know what it fully meant, but I had hope. I was dyin' to talk to Elle the next day, because I knew James would be home from these meetings.
So, I saw James on facebook first, and said hi, and then went to skype. This conversation followed.
Jess: can u tell me anything? Or do I have to wait?
James and Ella Embree: you have to wait
James and Ella Embree: at least a few more minutes
Jess: until?
Jess: what
James and Ella Embree: I'm busy for a few minutes then I'll tell you
James and Ella Embree: ;)
Jess: k (at this point I am like....for real?? Oh James...he really misses teasing me!)
James and Ella Embree: I'm kidding
James and Ella Embree: we decided to invite you to come to Joburg
Jessica Case: for???
James and Ella Embree: to work with Bosmont
James and Ella Embree: ICBM
James and Ella Embree: and ZEMA
James and Ella Embree: for two years I think we said?
Jess: i can't believe you are telling me this!
Jess: wow
Jess: o
Jess: wow
Jess: o
Jess: i'm almost doing the happy dance with tears!
James and Ella Embree: sorry we made you cry
Jessica Case: lol
James and Ella Embree: ella wants you to turn on your web cam
Jessica Case: u have to turn yours on too
Jessica Case: r u callin me?
Jessica Case: ????
And Elle and James and I video skyped, and it was an amazing moment. I'm so thankful they were the ones who were able to tell me. I'm grateful to the Lord for this new opportunity. He was in it all along, and although it was a rough 5 months, He was working during it all. It's not easy to wait....probably one of the hardest things in my walk with Him. But He is faithful when we are faithful. I read in I Corinthians back in May after I found everything out. The thing that stuck out was, "For God is not a God of confusion, but a God of peace." He knows it all. And I'm so thankful my future is with Him. Please pray for me as I seek out these next steps. I'll be at TEAM in a couple weeks, and I'll begin raising support. Pray too, for the Embrees as they WAIT on the Lord to direct their future plans back in America.
Thanks again to you for standing beside me....I'm going back to AFRICA. AAAGHH!! So excited!
