As I was reading my Bible Study book today, I turned to page 113 and I was riveted. I read it. I re-read it. And I realized I was reading my life at the moment. I could have written it myself, although Lysa is so much more gifted in that area than I. Here is what she wrote.
"I had been going through some stinkin', rotten, horrible, no good days and was at the absolute end of knowing what to pray. I'd slipped into a habit of praying circumstance-oriented prayers where I'd list out every problem and ask God to please fix them. I even made suggestions for solutions in case my input could be useful. But nothing changed. In a huff one day, I sat down to pray and had absolutely no words. None. I sat there staring blankly. I had no suggestions. I had no solutions. I had nothing but quiet tears. Eventually, God broke through my worn-out heart.
A thought rushed through my mind and caught me off-guard. I know you want Me to change your circumstances [Jess]. But, right now I want to focus on changing you. Even perfect circumstance won't satisfy you like letting Me change the way you think. I didn't necessarily like what I heard during this first time of sitting silently with the Lord, but at least I felt like I was connecting with God. I hadn't felt that in a long time. And so, to keep the connection, I started making it a habit to sit quietly before the Lord. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I sat with a bad attitude. Sometimes I sat with a heart so heavy I wasn't sure I'd be able to carry on much longer. But as I sat, I pictured God sitting there with me. He was there already and I eventually sensed that. I experienced what the apostle Paul wrote, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26)
As I sat in silence, the Spirit interceded with perfect prayers on my behalf. I didn't have to figure out what to pray or how to pray about this situation that seemed so consuming. I just had to be still and sit with the Lord. And during those sitting times, I started to discern changes I needed to make in response to my circumstances." -- Made To Crave Lysa Terkeurst
I'm certainly not where she is yet. But I believe that through the hard these last 3 months and for the months to come, He is working on me and will get me to that place. I don't know His plan. I've certainly felt most days as of recent that my relationship with Him is suffering. I've been told this adjustment of living overseas can take months, or even a few years. When I feel like I can't go another day, when I'm ready to throw the towel in, when I feel like I'm drowning and can't get above the water, or when I feel so consumed with everything going on around me, I can turn to Jesus. I HAVE to turn to Jesus. I have to trust Him as I sit with no words, believing that He will give me the power to go another day and show me those changes I need to make in my heart.
If you find yourself in this same situation, of feeling as though you are in a desert, try sitting in silence and letting Him speak. And be encouraged by His great love for you.
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